


Sticks and Stones

by rubysrocket28



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2014-03-26
Packaged: 2017-12-31 13:09:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubysrocket28/pseuds/rubysrocket28
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one time Syd can't handle the slurs and abuse. Abby is there to pick her up but will it be enough?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chants

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place sometime after the Canada game in June. Major warning for racial slurs used. I thought about censoring them but I took them from actual tweets sent to Sydney so i decided not to. Also warning for a mention of self harm at the end. I would be willing to continue if people want me to but if I don't get a lot of feed back I probably won't. I tried to do my best with grammar and punctuation but if there are a few things i missed i am very very sorry.

Where’s your father  
where’s your father  
where’s your faaather, Syd Leroux?  
He’s a deadbeat and he left you  
'cause he doesn’t love you  
Where’s your father  
where’s your father  
where’s your faaather, Syd Leroux?

Sydney couldn’t get the chants out of her head. The words felt like they were coming out of loud speakers and bouncing off the walls of her skull. She scanned the crowed that was slowly filing out, a mix of 12 year old girls screaming for Alex, middle aged male soccer fans with there beer cups and a small group of canadian fans who leered at her when she looked in their direction. The rest of the team was headed to go sign autographs, some hanging around for family to come down. Pinoe and Tobin were goofing around with each other on the field. Everyone seemed happy and content. Sydney beelined for the tunnel. Alex who had been right behind her when the final whistle blew, called her name but Sydney ignored her. She went to follow but Abby, who had been doing an interview excused herself from the reporter and ran to catch up with the speedy forward, grabbing her shoulder. Alex turned around looking confused.

“Abby wha...”

“I got this” Abby said motioning her head for Alex to go join the rest of the team.

Alex didn’t move. She pursed her lips and put her hands on her hips giving the classic Alex Morgan sign that she was not impressed.

“She is one of my best friends Wambach and she needs me right now.”

“I know she is lex but I can handle this.” 

Alex raised one perfectly arched eyebrow. The tall forward wasn’t exactly known for being the most emotionally intelligent member of the team. Abby just rolled her eyes. “I think you have some fans that came to see you” the veteran player said pointing to the group of tweens who had lingered after the game for autographs. They had spotted Alex and started screaming again. Alex looked to the tunnel Syd had disappeared into, and back at Abby. She sighed and brushed a few strands of hair out of her face. 

“Alex I promise, I will make sure she’s ok.”

She nodded her head at Abby and started to make her way over to the squealing mob of pony tails. Abby jogged over to the sideline grabbed her stuff and scooped up Sydney’s mesh sport bag and gatorade bottle. She mentally kicked herself all the way across the field. She had seen the signs. She had known something was up. This morning the usually extroverted striker had sat alone on the bus, opting to put on a large pair of beats headphones that almost swallowed her head. She didn’t say a word the entire ride and there were a few curious and concerned looks shot in her direction but no one said anything. Abby should have nipped it in the bud right than. She had forgotten that Canadian fans were particularly abusive to her teammate since she left the canuks to play for the stars and stripes when she was 15. Syd usually handled the derogatory remarks with the with utmost dignity from what Abby could see and she flatly denied that it bothered her whenever her teammates would ask.

Abby gently pushed open the door to the U.S lockeroom. She rounded the corner to see Sydney Leroux, promising young striker for the USWNT curled up in her cubby crying, both arms wrapped around her knees, head resting on them. Abby dropped the bags she was holding shoved some dirty towels off a folding chair, plopped it in front of Syd’s cubby and sat down. She rubbed a hand over her face trying to figure out the best way to go about this.

“Syd” Abby spoke tenderly, moving forward to gently rub her back.  
The younger girl didn’t respond.

Abby sighed. “Syd can you...can you at least have some water? Dawn would kill you if she knew you weren’t hydrating after a game. Sydney held her arm out and abby handed her the bottle. She pumped it a few times, letting the water fall into her mouth.

“Did alex ask you to come” she asked, fiddling with top of the water bottle.

“No alex didn’t ask me to come. I wanted to come.”

The forward pulled her jersey up to face, wiping away the tears and snot.

“What made you decide to give a crap about me now? My name isn’t Alex Morgan right so why do you care?”

“That is such bullshit and you know it. This has nothing to do with me or Alex this is about you so why don’t you tell me what’s going on.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“Did you hear the chants?”

“Yeah...Yeah I heard them” Abby answered.

“Creative right? and this morning before the game i got some tweets wanna know what they said? One said fuck you nigger mongrel bitch, another said kill yourself nigger, oh and my personal favorite die hybrid cunt. Most of the time i brush it off because if i let it get it to me it makes me weak. And if i’m weak it’s like i’m ungrateful for everything i have now. Ungrateful for all the opportunities I have been given that other girls would die for. Ungrateful of all the sacrifices my mom made. The forwards eyes began stinging again and she quickly wiped the tears that were forming.

“This shit is every single day Abby. Remember olympic qualifying? Remember the slurs? Cause i sure as hell do. I remember it all. Can you make that ok? Can you get the words out of my head? Can you make the images go away? Can you fix that?”

Abby hung her head. “No Sydney. I can’t make that better. I can’t make any of that ok. What I can remind of you though, is that your worth isn’t in any misspelled tweet or any chant some loser made. It’s in the fact that you can beat some of the best defenders in the world, do some ridiculous turn and score. And than do it again." 

“It lies in the fact that you are an amazing friend and selfless teammate. There are girls who come to our games and see you and they say I want to be like Sydney Leroux. They don’t want to be like me or Alex they want to be like you. You mean something to them. You mean something to me and you mean something to this team. Understood?”

“Understood” the younger forward nodded.

“Hey look at me” Abby leaned forward and gently placed her hands on both sides of the younger girls head, moving it so she could look her in the face.

“Your not weak Sydney. Your one of the strongest people I know.” Abby let go of her. “If i had to deal with half the shit you do I would probably be in jail right now for violent assault." Sydney snorted.

“Yesssssssssss I got her to laugh” Abby exclaimed raising her arms in the air.

“Shut up” Syd smiled trying to shove the taller player off the chair.

“Whad’ya say we go find the team hunh? I think Alex is worried about you.” Sydney nodded, untangled her legs from her cubby and stood. She softly rubbed a thumb over a slightly raised scar on her arm that had faded long ago.  
“Race you back to the field” Abby yelled already at the door. Sydney looked up.

“Your a cheater Wambach” Sydney laughed racing after her.

 


	2. Golden Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter. Alex and Abby confront Sydney about her Self-destructive spiral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for minor description of self harm.

The sound of Sydney's feet thudding against the treadmill echoed around the tiny hotel gym. She loved to run. It helped calm her and clear her head. She had ran track in high school for a while before having to choose soccer full time. It was 7:00 on a sunday morning so she had the place to herself. She was so in her own world she almost didn’t notice the young blond girl come in and sit on the weight bench across from her.

“Haven’t you ever heard of sleeping in?”

It was Morgan Brian her roommate for this camp. She had actually grown fond of the rookie. They meshed well together. Understood each other. Sydney laughed, slowing down the speed on the treadmill to a walk. She grabbed her water bottle from the side looking up at the younger girl in her sweats, Virginia t-shirt and messy bun.

“Couldn’t sleep. Figured id at least do something useful.”

Morgan nodded. “Well breakfast is in an hour. I was waiting to see if you wanted to shower first.”

Sydney shook her head. “Nah Moe go ahead. I’m gonna do a few more minutes. I’ll meet you up there.” Morgan did a goofy salute and Sydney waved her off chuckling. She quickly ramped up the treadmill to maximum speed.

The dining room smelled like english muffins and coffee intermingled with the laughter and groans of her teammates. Syd grabbed a plate taking a piece of toast and half a large spoonful of eggs. She turned around and surveyed her friends. Pinoe was in the middle of telling Tobin about some crazy dream she had last night. Mewie and Alex were looking at pictures on facebook on Alex’s phone. HAO had her head on the table and was looking half asleep. Hope, always the strong and silent type was lounging with her chair tipped back at the head of the table. Syd smiled. She really did love this team. Pinoe spotted her.

“Syd!! Sydster!!!! she yelled patting the empty seat right next to her. Sydney made her way over. “And how are you this lovely morning fellow teammate?”

Sydney raised her eyebrows. “Apparently not as chirpy as others. Someone spike your cornflakes megs?”

“Can’t someone just enjoy being up in the morning?” Pinoe asked with fake exasperation

“There is a difference between being a morning person and being insane” HAO mumbled with her head still on the table.

“Uggh no one on this team understands me” Pinoe pouted slumping in her seat.  
“Awwww poor misunderstood Pinoe” Carli mocked from across the table which earned her an orange peal in the face. Everyone laughed. Sydney smiled looking down at her plate. She shoved some eggs around with her fork.

“Not particularly hungry this morning hunh Syd?” Hope remarked as she took a sip from her coffee cup. Sydney opened her mouth to respond but than Tom stood up at the staff table and everyone stopped talking.

“Morning ladies” Tom boomed across the room in his classic scottish brogue.  
“I know it’s been a tough camp for some of you and I appreciate all of you sticking through it with me. This is our last day of camp before the holidays and I know you are all anxious to get out of here so lets all be prompt to practice to day shall we. Just a light one alright nothing to serious. Maybe a little soccer tennis. Some light 8 v 8. Lets just have some fun. When we come back after the new year we are going to be laser focused on qualifying and we’ll have some tough decisions to make. Dismissed.”

The room thundered with chairs scraping back as everyone got up to get ready for practice. Tobin shoved an apple in her mouth and grabbed the ball she had been rolling between her feet during breakfast.

“Hey Syd were still going out tonight right?” Alex asked coming up beside her. Shit she had forgotten to make up an excuse.

“Yeah of course.”

“Awesome. I’ll meet you in the lobby at 9:00.”

“I swear to god Crystal if you use my deodorant again....” Kristie Mewis yelled brushing by Sydney and Alex to catch up with her roomie. Alex smiled at Syd and Syd attempted to smile back. She couldn’t tell if she actually managed to get one on her face. She quickly left not wanting to give Alex the opportunity to ask her any more questions.

 

* * *

 

She had already been waiting in the lobby for 10 minutes when Syd came down. She was wearing one of her perfectly fitted short black dresses and cute silver and gold high heels. She was also wearing a small black mini blazer that just covered her shoulders.

“Really Syd? We’re in Atlanta and it’s 70 degrees”

Sydney shrugged. “I thought it was cute.”

“mmmmk” Alex responded with an eyebrow slightly raised. A horn honked outside the hotel and they clambered into a taxi.

The club was sort of a mix between an old country dive bar and a converted city factory. The music was eclectic at best. Not that Sydney was remotely pretending to be interested in the music. The minute they got there she headed straight for the bar. Alex went off on the dance floor somewhere or maybe outside on her cell phone convincing Servando she hadn’t met any guys hotter them him. Speaking of guys, one slid up next to Sydney by the bar.

“You don’t look like your from around here” he said with a soft southern twang. Not deep backwoods but certainly not from the city. He was wearing a rugby shirt and some skinny dungarees. He was kinda cute.

“Trust me i’m not worth it” she responded turning back to the barkeep for another drink.

Alex made her way through the horde back to the bar grabbing Sydney's arm and turning her around. Sydney practically squealed in Alex’s in face and she could taste the alcohol coming out of her mouth.

“Oh heyyyyyy everyone look look it’s Alex Morlannnnnnn” Everyone around the bar was starting to give Sydney the look that’s often given to homeless people that don’t scare or disgust them. The one’s people just feel sorry for.  
“She’s the star of our team, do you know how many goals she scored? Sooooooooo many goals. All the girls wanna be her, all the boys wanna date her. She is just sooooo perfect...perfect Alex.”

Alex grabbed her friend by the shoulders, almost shaking her. “Hey....hey Syd how many drinks have you had?”

“I dunno i had a couple of beers...”

“How many is a couple?”

“I dunno three or 4? and than I had some other stuff i dunno what it was but it tasted goooood”.

“Okay we have to get you out of here” Alex said looking around to try and find someone with the cab number.

Alex half carried half dragged her teammate over the doormat to her room. Moe wasn’t there which Alex thought was just as well. She probably left right after practice to go back to school. Alex deposited the younger girl on the bed and bent down to get her shoes her off. “I’m gonna...” Syd mumbled and Alex grabbed the trash can by the bed fast enough to stop the vomit from getting on the carpet but not fast enough to stop all of it from getting on Sydney.

“I swear Syd you owe me so big for this” Alex muttered. “Come on lets get you in the shower” she threw an arm around Sydney's hips and helped her stumble to the bathroom. Turning on the shower she went to help her take off her jacket and dress.

“Noooo get off”. Sydney sloppily attempted to slap Alex’s hands away.

“What is wrong with you Sydney? You have throw up all over yourself you need a shower” Alex said grabbing her arm. “Get off me” Sydney slurred shoving Alex hard enough that she stumbled over the bathtub ledge soaking her dress. She was about to look up and yell at her when she saw she had ripped her jacket off her shoulder. Beneath the fabric she could see Sydney's smooth cinnamon skin broken by long angry red lacerations.  
“Oh Sydney no no no please tell me you didn’t”. Alex got up and slowly slid the jacket off the other shoulder as well. Both of her upper arms were covered in cuts. Some new some half way healed. Alex unzipped the back of her dress letting it fall to the ground. Both upper thighs and stomach were littered with them. Alex looked at Syd standing there shivering in her lace black panties and bra. She had started to cry. She wasn’t sobbing, not making any noise at all. She was crying like someone who had learned to not let other people hear them. Alex gathered her in her arms. She felt so small and fragile. Like a child. How could someone so strong feel so frail?

“Do you think you can take a shower? I think a shower would help right?" Sydney nodded. “Ok i’m gonna get you some clothes alright? Alex shut the door behind her. Shit shit shit what was she supposed to do? She had never been in this position in her life. She got her phone from the floor at the foot of the bed and texted Abby. She would know what to do. She went to Sydney’s suitcase and grabbed two pair of shorts and t shirts for both of them. Two empty vodka bottles were on the bottom. Alex threw out the bottles, searched her bag for any more and changed. She knocked on the bathroom door. “Syd? i’m leaving your clothes on the floor ok?” opening the door and dropping them. A few minutes later Sydney came out, hair still dripping. Alex took the towel out of her friends hand and gently dried her hair. She threw the covers down on the bed and moved all the way to the far side so Syd could get in. She crawled in and put her head on Alex’s shoulder. “I’m sorry” she mumbled. “Shhhhhhhh” Alex whispered stroking her hair. “Go to sleep.” “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Alex just kept stroking her hair and Sydney slowly fell asleep in her arms.

 

* * *

 

The two young forwards were jostled awake when something thudded onto the bed.  
“Jesus Abby ever heard of knocking” Alex asked sitting up. The veteran player had thrown Sydney’s half empty suitcase on the bed. “What the...” Sydney tried to sit up but it felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to the back of her head.

“Get packed. You need to be downstairs in half an hour. Your coming to stay with me and Sarah for a while.” From her tone Alex could tell she was not playing around.

“I’m doing what?” Sydney asked this time really sitting up. “I have a flight back to Vancouver this afternoon i’m going to see my mom...”

“I called your mom. Given the situation she agreed it wouldn’t be the best idea to go back home.”

“Given the situation?” Sydney asked motioning to get up but Alex pushed her back down.

Abby just shook her head. “I’m not doing this with you. I’m not gonna let you self destruct Sydney not on my watch.”

Sydney turned to Alex. “You told her? You told her something extremely personal to me that you had no right to tell?”

"Don’t get mad at her she was terrified and didn’t know what to do.”

“So she called you and you called my mother? Do neither of you understand i am an adult?”

“Your practically drowning your liver in Vodka it’s not like your acting like one.”

“Abby can i see you outside?” Alex asked getting up and almost trying to shove the older player out of the room.

“Excuse me? What the fuck do you know about me Abby? No seriously please enlighten me, share your grand wisdom on how iv'e failed to live up to your insane standards.”

“You think I didn’t do this shit when I was your age?” Abby asked almost yelling. “I did the same selfish self-hating spiral but i am not going to let you fuck up your career and the career of this team.”

“Abby outside now!” Alex yelled. Abby stomped out slamming the door behind her. Alex followed.

She found her mentor standing against the wall. The dull thud of a headache was coming on and she kneaded her forehead. “Look Abby. I know you get motivated by the negative comments and the criticism. I know that works for you but sometimes it doesn’t motivate people. It just crushes them. Especially when the criticism is coming from someone whose poster you’ve had on your wall.”

Abby crossed her arms. “How do you know she’s had my poster on her wall?” Alex rolled her eyes. “She’s a girl whose played soccer since she was 6 of course she’s had your poster on her wall.”

Abby scuffed her feet on the the hotel carpet. “So your saying....”

“i’m saying be gentle with her.”

Abby nodded. “I just want her to know there are actually people who give a shit about what happens to her. Even if she’s not one of them”

“Than tell her that” Alex said nodding in the direction of the Sydney’s room.

She took a deep calming breath and opened the door. Sydney was sitting in the chair by the window with the comforter over her knees. Abby sat down on the floor by the chair. Alex sat on the bed. “Syd I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten angry. The younger girl stared out the window. A little robin had landed on the windowsill and Sydney put her finger out like she wanted to stroke it. “Your right. I don’t know everything that you've been through. I’m not telling you I can relate because truthfully I probably can’t. I didn’t have to give up everything I knew just to have a chance at my dream and I don’t what it’s like to do it almost all alone. What I do know is that we are worried about you. We’re worried that if you keep doing what your doing your going to seriously hurt yourself. We’re even more worried that if you do you won’t care. I’m asking you to come back to LA with me and Sarah. I'm asking you to let us help you.”

“It’s not like I have a choice right” Sydney asked. The older player didn’t respond.

Alex cleared her throat. “Sydney you know i love you but your not eating. You barely sleep and the only way you can sleep is if your so drunk you throw up. If you keep this up forget about the team, you are putting your body and health in jeopardy. This is about your life.

It seemed like 20 minutes before Sydney responded.

“I’ll go.”

“Ok than” Abby exclaimed getting up. “I’m gonna go get my stuff and I’ll meet you downstairs”. Alex busied herself going around the room gathering Sydney’s things and packing them for her.

"When I visit Diamond Bar I’ll come down to L.A ok? I’ll take you surfing. Or better yet I’ll get us lessons since I can’t surf for my life." Sydney gave a small smile just thinking about her and Alex wiping out on surfboards. The room started to spin and she fought the urge to vomit all over the carpet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure If i'm gonna continue this but definitely let me know if you would like me to.


	3. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sydney at home with Sarah and Abby

Sydney heard the whispering coming from outside the door but she didn’t open her eyes. 

 “Baby you don’t have to keep checking on her every hour.” 

 “I’m not!” Abby protested.

 “Oh really? So it was a ghost i felt getting in and out of our bed last night?”

 “I was just making sure she didn’t need anything.”

 “What she needs is some space. Kingston is whimpering by the door why don’t you go take him out?” 

 “But....” Abby began to argue. 

 “Come on” Sarah said exasperated. It sounded like she was dragging Abby away from the door because there voices faded away. A few minutes later there was a soft knock on the guest room door. 

 “Come in.”

 Sarah gently opened the door and walked over to Sydney’s bedside where she was still submerged under the covers. She gave the younger girl a sympathetic smile. She was carrying some Advil and a tall glass of water. 

 “How ya doing kiddo?” 

 “I’m spectacular” Syd said sitting up and giving Sarah a small smile. She handed Sydney the Advil and water and watched her take it.

“I’m sorry about the hovering.” Sarah said motioning towards the door. “I know she can come on strong sometimes but she just does it cause cares. She cares about you a lot.”

 “Yeah well I wish she didn’t” Sydney mumbled under her breath. 

 Sarah pretended not to hear it. 

 “The Advil will help with the last of the hangover but you should eat something.” 

 “I’m not hungry.” 

 “You should eat something anyway. I make a mean eggs and toast.” 

 “Come on” Sarah insisted patting Sydney’s knee. “I’ll start you off with some coffee. You can’t say no to coffee.” 

 Sarah left leaving Sydney to untangle herself from the comforter. She got up and grabbed the Stanford sweatshirt she stole from KO last camp out of her backpack, threw it on and followed Sarah into the kitchen. The house was beautiful. A classic LA spanish colonial. There kitchen was huge for a couple who spent the majority of their lives on planes and buses. Sydney hopped onto to a stool and rested her elbows on the massive marble island table top. Sarah fiddled with coffee maker and Sydney pulled at the strings of her sweatshirt. She felt like Sarah was expecting something from her. Expecting an explanation of how she ended up sitting in her kitchen at 8:00 in the morning with a hangover.

 “I’m not going to judge you” Sarah said reaching into a cabinet to get coffee cups. “I can’t say I have always dealt with things in the healthiest way. Not to mention I never had to deal with half the stuff you do. Sarah handed Syd her coffee and got out the milk and sugar. “Leaving home alone at 15, going to a completely new place surrounded by new people with no idea if any of it is actually going to pay off. I couldn’t have have done that.” Sydney mixed her coffee and took a sip. She could feel the heat from it shoot down her throat and settle in her stomach. It made her feel slightly more like something that resembled a human being. “I love hazelnut” she said trying to get the subject off her. Sarah smiled. 

 “Me to. Don’t tell Abby that though. God forbid someone like flavored coffee. How about some eggs?”

 “You really don’t hav...” 

 “Eggs it is than” Sarah responded setting the pan on the stove. 

 Sydney sat and drank her coffee in silence as Sarah cooked. She had just put a plate of eggs and some toast in front of Sydney when Abby came back in from walking Kingston. Kingston immediately scampered over to Sydney and began panting at her her feet. Sydney laughed and bent down to pet the bulldog. Abby rolled her eyes. “King you are such diva.” Sarah poured a cup of regular coffee for Abby and kissed her on the cheek. 

 “I have a chiropractor appointment to get to so I will leave you two alone.” Out of the corner of her eye Sydney saw Sarah mouth “be good” to Abby but Abby just sticks her tongue out at her wife. Sarah laughed grabbed her keys from the table by the door and left. 

 “So” Abby started sitting down at the opposite side of the kitchen island. 

 “So....” Sydney responded. 

 “You sleep ok?” 

“Yeah I basically passed out the minute I laid down.”

 Abby sipped her coffee and nodded. Sydney looked around the kitchen. She noticed the alcohol cabinet had a lock. 

 “Afraid i’m gonna raid your stash?” she asked motioning towards the cabinet. 

 Abby raised her eyebrows. “We have nieces and nephews here all the time Sydney. Your being paranoid". 

The younger player stared down into her mug, not wanting to look at the veteran. 

 “Will you please just give this a chance?” Abby asked.

 “Who knows maybe you’ll even have some fun. We’re not just a boring married couple.”

 “Oh I know Sarah isn’t boring” Sydney retorted. 

 “Ouch” Abby exclaimed dramatically clutching at her chest like she had been shot. They both laughed. 

 “I think there is a Barca game on. Wanna watch?” 

 Sydney nodded and they made there way to the living room and turned on the T.V. Abby threw her a pillow from an arm chair and she settled into the couch. For the first time in a while Sydney didn’t feel anxious or on guard. For the first time in weeks she actually felt content. 

 

* * *

 

 The two strikers watched the surfers finish there last runs of the day as the sun went down. There legs dangled over the edge of the hermosa beach pier as they ate gloriously greasy food from the El Chato taco truck. It was one of Abby’s favorites when she was home. Normally Sydney would have refused to eat anything so saturated in fat and carbs but her stomach was screaming at her and it smelled amazing. Abby broke off a piece of her taco and threw it for a seagull that had landed nearby. 

 “I’m sorry....about what happened with your dad. You never talked about it so I just figured...”

 Sydney took a sip of her orange Julius and shrugged. “He left when I was 2 months old and I’ve probably seen him 5 times since. Not exactly a lot of memories to miss.”

  “Doesn’t mean it doesn't hurt.”

  _Sydney was so ecstatic she couldn’t contain herself. She had woken up at 6:00 that morning and tried on 8 different outfits which were now strewn around her room much to the consternation of her mother when she came in to wake her up._

_“Mom, Mom dad said he’s coming at noon today right?” Sydney asked a notch below yelling. Her mom just smiled._

_“Yes sweets for the 40th time he said he is coming at noon.”_

_It had been Sydney’s 8th birthday yesterday and her mom had thrown a ginormous house party for all her friends. Her dad had called to say he couldn’t make it but that he would take her out later instead._

_“However if you don’t go finish your breakfast your not going anywhere” her mother admonished. Sydney raced back to the kitchen and finished her breakfast in record time. She watched cartoons for an hour and with enough bugging from her mom, cleaned her room for a bit. At 10:30 Sydney took one of the chairs from the dining room and parked it in front of the big window that looked out on half the street. She would be able to hear her dad coming before she saw him. His old toyota corolla had a bad muffler that he never got fixed, you could hear it from a mile away. Sydney’s heart would start pounding every time she heard a car turn down the street. Every time it just whizzed right by the house. Noon came and went and Sydney refused to leave her seat. At 3:00 her mom suggested they go to the park and come back in a hour but Sydney just yelled at her saying he was just running late and if they left she would miss him. By 6:00 Sydney had refused dinner, telling her mom that since it was so late her dad would probably just take her out to dinner. At 10:00 Syd had dozed off in her chair by the window and her mother picked up the little girl and put her in bed. A week later a card arrived._

_“Dear Sydney” it read._

_“Happy birthday. Hope it was a good one. Love dad.”_

_A twenty dollar bill fell out. She handed the money to her mom and threw the card in the trash._

 “Doesn’t mean it doesn't hurt”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I will do just one more chapter to finish this up. Let me know what y'all think.


	4. Voices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for derogatory slurs used.

Abby brushed her teeth leaning against the door frame of the guest bedroom. The young striker actually reminded the taller woman a lot of herself when she was younger.Talented, limitless potential, stubborn, laser focus. Sometimes her own worst enemy. She picked up a pillow from the floor and threw it onto the slightly moving pile of sheets and comforter. 

 “Get up.”

 A groan was emitted from the depths of the bedding. A clump of frizzy brown hair appeared from the beneath the mess of sheets, followed by a head. Syd wiped away the eye crust encroaching on her sight and looked at the person she had idolized for most of her life. If only people could see the great Abby Wambach now, with a toothbrush hanging out of the corner of her mouth. 

 “Ewwww gross! go to the bathroom with that! I can’t believe you got Sarah to marry you. 

 Abby turned and headed to the bathroom.

 “I wooed her with my charm.” she responded over her shoulder. 

 “Mind telling me why you got me up at this god forsaken hour.” Sydney yelled from the kitchen. 

 “It’s 10:00 am on a tuesday”

 “My point exactly.” 

 Abby rolled her eyes. 

 “I have a nike promo shoot and it will probably take up most of the day. Hope is in town and I told her to come over if she wanted someone to hang out with since you weren’t doing anything.”

 Sydney appeared in the doorway of the bathroom with a pop tart in her hand.

 “Your getting a babysitter for me now?”

 Abby spit into the sink. She looked up at Sydney in the mirror raising her eyebrows. 

 “You really think one of the best goalkeepers in the world wants to be a babysitter? If you don’t want to hang out with her than call her yourself.”

 Sydney sucked her teeth. “Whatever, I’m going to take a shower.”  

 She came out in her in her sweats and bruins T-shirt and padded into the kitchen. Hope and Abby were sitting on opposite sides of the island heads huddled together conspiratorially. She squinted at them suspiciously. 

 “Good morning sleeping beauty where have you been?” Hope asked in a disgustingly cheery voice that Sydney thought should be made illegal for anyone to use before noon. 

 “Trying to avoid my two annoying teammates” She muttered going to the fridge and pouring herself a glass of OJ. 

 “And on that note, i’m out of here” Abby said getting up and grabbing her keys from the counter. “You be good now children.” Hope flipped her the middle finger and Abby laughed closing the door behind her. 

 Hope turned her attention back to the younger woman who was scrolling through her phone. 

 “I was thinking of going on a hike. The Vasquez rocks trek is supposed to be beautiful. It’s about an hours drive, any interest in coming with?”

 “Are you asking me or telling me.” Sydney asked not looking up from her phone. 

 Hope sighed. “I'm not gonna tie you up and throw you in the trunk if that’s what you want to know. I just wanted some company but please don’t do me any favors.” 

 Sydney looked up, catching those piercing blue eyes, trying to determine the goalkeepers intentions. She had always admired her even just from afar. She demanded the best from herself and nothing less from her teammates. New kids on the team would often get shaken when she barked orders at them or flatly pointed out mistakes they had made. Sydney never did. She had always appreciated the honesty, good and bad. You always knew where you stood with Hope. 

 Sydney shrugged. “Fine i’ll go. Someone has to save you from falling off a cliff right?”

 Hope just smiled and ripped off a piece of teammates half eaten pop tart. 

 “Whatever you say kid.” 

* * *

 Vasquez canyon was breathtakingly beautiful. The rock formations were created by erosion about 25 million years ago and later exposed by activity along the San Andreas Fault. The jagged edges of the structures looked like they were threatening to rip the sky open. The two women were alone on the trail today. The silence mostly unbroken accept for the occasional osprey flying overhead in search of a meal. Hope veered off the trail and sat down at the base of a particularly menacing looking rock. She shrugged off her camelback and opened it, handing Sydney a water bottle and a luna bar. Sydney took them and plopped herself down. Hope untangled the water pipe from it’s clip on the side and bit down on the mouth piece, watching the water rush through the pipe into her mouth. Sydney had poured some water onto the ground, taken a stick and was attempting to etch some sort of design into the desert floor. Hope shuffled her feet, kicking up the dust.

 “I know we haven’t ever really been best friends. We barely talk outside of camp and games. But I want you to know I get it. Iv’e been there. I know what it’s like to have people turn there back on you and walk away. I know what it’s like to be called disgusting names. When people can’t even look at you. Can’t even be in the same room as you. Trust me i understand that better than anyone. But this whole pushing people away, fake smile, let me just drown my problems in alcohol shit, it’s not you.”

 “Because you know me so well” Sydney retorted not even looking up. Hope shrugged. She knew the tough girl, me against the world routine. Hell, she had perfected it.

 “I know you enough. And I also know it won’t work. Because as soon as your done with the cutting and the drinking tell you pass you out, eventually you have to wake up and the feelings are still there. The anger and the self hatred and those feelings of worthlessness they don’t go away.”

 Sydney shoved the stick in a hole and pounded with her fist. “Does it ever get easier?”

 Hope thought about her answer carefully. “Yes and no.” “It gets easier to deal with. You learn how to handle the bad days better. You start to let people in. You relearn how to trust them. How to let them help you. Sydney nodded. She took her luna bar and ripped it open taking a bite. “That is possibly the most disgusting thing i have ever tasted.” Hope took it out of her hand and tore off a piece, popping it into her mouth. She chewed it once and promptly spit it out down the road. Laughter from the two women echoed throughout the canyon. Hope finally caught her breath and stood up, dusting off the back of her pants and offering her hand to Sydney. 

 “Come on lets get out of here before we get lost and end up having to eat desert mice or something.” 

 It was dark by the time they got back to hermosa beach. Sydney’s phone buzzed from somewhere on the floor of the car. She fetched it and swiped the screen open. It was a text from Sarah. 

  _Going out with friends, be back late. A is not home tell later either. Left some mail your mom sent on the table. Hoping you two didn’t get lost somewhere in the desert._

 Sydney shoved her phone in her pocket. They pulled up to the house and she went to open the door and get out but stopped herself. She turned to Hope. 

 “Hey umm...Abby and Sarah aren’t gonna be back tell late do you....do you maybe wanna come in? Get something to eat and find something stupid to watch? It’s totally fine if you don’t want to or if you have some place to be I just thought....but i unders.....”

 She was rambling. Hope smiled.

“Syd chill, I’d love to.” Sydney smiled back. 

 “cool”

They parked and headed into the dimly lit house. Kingston greeted them enthusiastically. 

 “Food food food I need food. Before I go all 127 hours and cut off my own arm and eat it.” Hope stated dramatically. 

 “That guy didn’t eat his arm.”

 “Whatever smartass lets just decide what were ordering.”

 “Take out menus are in the drawer under the microwave” Sydney said waving to some non descriptive area in the room. She undid the rubber band over her stack of mail and started going through it. 

 “Bill, bill, bill, credit card offer, bill bill.” 

 Hope was intently mulling over the menus spread out before her. “The Mediterranean looks good but i’m sort of craving Indian. Than there’s Korean.....I swear Syd if you say pizza I will not hesitate....

 Hope turned around to see where the striker had went. A piece of her mail had fallen on the floor and Hope went to pick it up. 

  _“Do your mother a favor you half-nigger cunt, and kill yourself.”_

 It was scribbled on blank computer paper. Hope looked at the envelope. No return address. The words and voices from 2007 flooded the keepers brain. 

  _“Hope, I think she’s better”_

“ _Your so selfish. All you do is think about yourself.”_

  _“How could you do that to Bri? After everything she’s done for you.”_

  _“You won’t be on the team plane home.”_

  _“Your an arrogant bitch. You don’t deserve to be on this team.”_

  _"_ _I always knew she was just a fame whore.”_

 Hopes heart pounded. Fuck Fuck Fuck. She sprinted down the hallway skidding to a stop in front of the bathroom. Sydney is hunched over the sink head down. The contents of the medicine cabinet are strewn all over the floor. She had a razor in one hand and was gripping the side of the sink with the other, gripping it so tightly Hope could see her white knuckles. 

 “Sydney you don’t have to do this.” The younger woman violently threw the razor across the bathroom, hitting the wall and shattering into little pieces. She slumps down against the bathtub and starts sobbing.Hope joins her on the floor, crossing her legs and pulling her teammate onto her lap. Sydney rests her head on Hope’s shoulder and just cries, tears soaking through Hopes shirt. Hope just held her and stroked her back. 

 “I know kid I know. I know you want to tear your skin off right now. I know you want to be anyone else in the world. I know you want to start running and never look back but your going to get through this. Your going to get through this and I’m going to be here to tell you how amazing, talented, brilliant, strong, funny,  beautiful and worthy you are. I’m going to tell you that as many times as it takes until those voices in your head go away okay? Your gonna make it kid. I promise you.” 

 Sydney fell asleep in Hope’s lap so after half an hour Hope picked her up and carried her to the guest bedroom. She laid her on the bed and took off her shoes. She gently maneuvered the comforter from beneath her, covering her up. A piece of hair had fallen in her face so Hope gently tucked it behind her ear. It struck her just how young Sydney really looked. Away from the backdrop of heavy expectation and scoring statistics and starting spots, she really was still just.......just a kid. 

* * *

 

At 11:00 am Sydney took her phone off the bedside table and pulled up her email. The camp roster was out. Her name wasn’t on it. She buried herself beneath the covers once again. 

 

* * *

 

“Sydney. Sydney come on you gotta get up.” Abby was at her side shaking her shoulder hard. Sydney pulled the comforter away from her face and looked up. What time was it? What Day was it?

 “Coach wants to meet with you. Get dressed, I gotta drive you to camp.”


	5. This one's a fighter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter. Thanks to everyone who left feedback. I hope you enjoyed it.

The half hour drive from Hermosa Beach to the training center felt like two hours. Sydney spent most of it staring out the window. She could tell Abby was talking to her but she wasn't listening. The only thing she could focus on was the stretch of highway blurring into a single picture and the faint taste of vomit in her mouth. Abby pulled into the parking lot and shut off the car, looking at the younger girl.

"You ready?"

Sydney unlocked the door and pushed it open, shaking her head. "Not at all."

The parking lot was just off the fields and the entire team spotted them walking.  Syd started to speed up, not wanting them to see her like this but Abby gently grabbed her shoulder, stopping her.

"They're your friends. Your family. They just want to see that your okay."

"i'm not okay" Sydney wanted to scream.

"Syd!!" Pinoe exclaimed racing up to her first. Instead of leaping, the platinum blonde just enveloped her in a bear hug, lifting Sydney off the ground. "Careful Pinoe you don't want to break one of her ribs" Carli laughed. Pinoe sighed and gently set her back on the ground.

"Hey Syd I saved you one of the cookies from the caf. You know the good one's with the m&m's not the oatmeal ones" Kelley said, pulling a napkin covered cookie out of her warm up jacket and handing it to Sydney. She leaned forward to whisper in Syd's ear.

"I know we're only supposed to have two but I had four, don't tell Dawn or she'll make me do wind sprints." Sydney smiled slightly and whispered back.

"Thanks squirrel. I won't tell." The fitness trainer made her way over to the group.

"Okay ladies back to practice, five aside, lets go, hustle." Everyone gave Syd a hug and headed back to the field. Dawn gave Sydney's shoulder a squeeze.

"Your gonna be fine Syd. Your gonna be just fine." The two forwards headed into the main building, taking seats outside of Tom's office. Sydney jiggled her leg up and down. She unconsciously scrapped her nails against the suede chair. Abby leaned forward, looking at the terrified younger woman.

"Hey do you remember that time we were in that cafe after the Brazil game in november, and that guy walked by our table and called me a dyke?" Sydney nodded slowly.

"You were about to go after him and i stopped you, remember what i said?"

Sydney was silent for a moment.

"You said it wasn't a fight I needed to have. You said it wasn't worth it because you knew who you were and were proud of yourself and nobody could take that away from you." Abby nodded.

"Right now i'm telling you to fight. Fight for yourself because you are worth it." The door opened and Tom stood aside to let Sydney through. He gently closed the door behind him and took a seat behind his desk. Sydney sat down in one of the plush arm chairs in front of it.

"How ya doing kiddo?" Syd shrugged looking away, not wanting to see the look of pity on her coaches face. Poor Sydney. Can't even handle a little hate mail. Pathetic. Lord knows thats what she thought about herself. Tom sighed and scratched his mustache.

"Look here's the deal kid. Part of my responsibility as coach is to make sure that every player I put out on that field has the best chance to succeed. I will never put a player out on the field in a weakened position. It is unfair to the player and it is unfair to the team." Sydney stared at the painting behind Tom's desk. It was a beautiful oil landscape of the scottish highlands.

"Some of your teammates and staff are concerned about your wellbeing. They are concerned that your being self destructive. That your putting your health and career at risk." The young striker stared down at her feet, shuffling them. Tom took a piece of paper off his desk and slid it over to Sydney. She took it off the table and looked at it.

"What this?"

"It's the phone number for the team psychologist. I expect you to be in her office at 10:00 am on monday morning. Your officially on medical leave."

Sydney's eyes began to sting. "I don't....I don't wanna be away from the team." Tom shook his head.

"This isn't a punishment and this isn't a choice. Look kid, you are a female athlete. That means for the span of your career, you will work just as hard as any male athlete, sometimes harder. You will receive less pay and half the recognition than your male peers, while fighting against the perception in mainstream culture that women in your sport, let alone all sport, are less strong, less smart, less skilled and less deserving of a successful career, all because you happened to be born without a penis."

Sydney looked at her coach. She had never heard the usually diplomatic scotsman talk so bluntly.

"Maybe in the future things will be different but this is the reality of the world we are living in and we have to deal with it. What that also means is that you do not have the luxury male athletes have to make mistakes, screw up and be human, and not have it affect your career."

Sydney felt the urge to throw up all over the carpet. 

"What do i have to do?" Tom picked up a pencil and tapped the end of it on his desk.

"Your out for a minimum of two months. If i get good reports from your therapist that your really working on things and you keep up with your training, you will be back in the squad for qualifiers. Dawn will give you a schedule for conditioning. Hour of cardio, hour of strengthening, you know the drill. If your really making an effort to face your problems, really dealing with them, you'll be back with us in no time. Understood?" Sydney nodded.

"Alright kid, get out of here."

Sydney got up and rushed out of the office, not wanting to cry in front of the man she respected so much.

 

* * *

 

 The girls could hear the crowd rumbling from inside the lockeroom. It was the opening game of the 2015 Women's World Cup and 30,000 people were packed into BC Place to see them take on south Korea. Sydney looked around the room full of women who she had spent the majority of her young adult life with. These women who knew her better now than her own biological family did. Cheney was walking around with her ipod speakers on her shoulder, Pinoe was dancing ridiculously around her. Alex was curled up in her cubby doing her visualizations with her jacket covering her head. Tobin and Moe were juggling a ball. Abby was talking with Tom while he wrote something on the white board. This was it. It was finally here. Few people knew that the four years between World Cups felt more like a decade. Hope interrupted her thoughts, sitting down next to her.

"How ya feeling?" Sydney smiled, pulling her cleats, socks, and a roll of prewrap out of her bag. 

"I'm feeling ok. A little nauseous but that's normal for your first World Cup right?"

Hope grinned. "Yeah, just don't throw up on my field."

Sydney saluted. "Yes mam, Genereal Solo."

"I wanted to give you this." Hope handed over a small square of tissue paper. Sydney unwrapped it and held up a silver lotus pendant on a simple chain. Sydney looked at Hope, not knowing what to say.

"It's a lotus flower. They blossom in mud."

A FIFA official poked her head through the door, giving the 20 minute warning. Hope winked at the younger girl. 

"Go get' em killer." 

As both teams lined up to take the field, Sydney could hear the faint lyrics of a Gym Class Heroes song playing somewhere. 

 

_Half the population's just waitin to see me fail_

_Yeah right, you're better off trying to freeze hell...._

_But I do it for the kids, life threw the towel in on_

_Every time you fall it's only making your chin strong_

_Until the referee rings the bell_

_Until both your eyes start to swell_

_Until the crowd goes home_

_What we gonna do ya'll?_

_Give em hell, turn their heads...._

_Give me scars, give me pain_

_Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me_

_There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter_

_Here comes the fighter_

_That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,_

_This one's a fighter_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who left feedback. Hope you enjoyed it.


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